I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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