your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
