Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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