I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Two words: nipple clamps
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