ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
