I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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