just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize