Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Come share oat with me in your robe
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
