yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
