allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
