Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
