It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize