btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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