you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
