I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
