She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
