we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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