im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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