I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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