I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
