Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
