I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I wear drunk well.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
