I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
