I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize