my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
