he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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