Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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