he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
