i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
