My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
