i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
