I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
