You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I did not marry a roomba.
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