maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
