These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize