I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
