Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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