apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
