So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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