Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
