As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
