her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
