My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
