I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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