You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize