Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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