WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
