grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he thought i was a dude.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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