i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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