fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize