oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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