I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
