i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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