dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You are a genius and a whore.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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