If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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