how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize