So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
