Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize