Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
