hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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