I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
