Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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